A Good Start

Bilis ng panahon. Parang kelan lang, I was celebrating my birthday. Now, it’s the middle of February already. Before you know it, maririnig na natin si Jose Marie Chan.

This year started quite well for me. I spent the New Year’s Eve with Anika and Pineda’s family. Sa tagal na namin friends ni Pineda, it was the first time we had Media Noche together ever. Tuwang tuwa kaming dalawa ni Anika. Isabel and Faye are in New Zealand na and wala namang kapatid tong si Anika so I was grateful she had people from her generation (haha) na nakasama nung salubong.

The next day was my birthday and for this year, I had a triple birthday celebration.

One was dinner at my favorite buffet restaurants with Wowa, LT, Lyn, Anika and my cousin Bobet. Anika organized it with Wowa.

Second was with my Post Construction Team. They threw me a surprise “party” the day after my actual birthday. Wala kasing pumasok nung birthday ko. They assumed that the president will declare it a holiday. Eh hindi. Lol. I was touched and I really appreciated their handa.

Last was my dinner with my closest, closest girl friends. My core group. Anika planned it. She said I cannot not have a get together or a party this year. I didn’t celebrate kasi my birthday for 2 years. I begged off at first but she wasn’t having it. I’m glad she persisted because it was the first time that I was able to gather all of them in one place. It was so much fun. I was crying and laughing at the same time. There was a program c/o Pineda. There was gift giving with matching speeches. Naging debut-slash-bridal shower tuloy yung dinner. Ewan ko ba dun sa mga yun pero ang laughtrip sobra.

Last month was also the month when I felt some kind of normalcy coming back sa buhay ko. I started feeling like my old self. I was laughing more. I had energy to go out and do stuff more. The struggle with anxiety was getting less and less because the anxiety was coming less and less. I found myself actually doing things because I enjoy doing them not because I have to do it. Gets? Also, they said I look happier. Well, I feel A LOT happier. My eyes are more alive daw. Pineda said hindi na daw ako parang zombie. Lol. I was able to finally finish a book! And I was able to watch a movie na and finish it. Nakakakilig forever ang Pretty Woman, I swear.

For the first time in more than two years, I actually felt that there’s something to look forward to. I can actually feel the light at the end of the tunnel. Ito pala yung sinasabi nila. I may not be 100% there yet but I am now definitely somewhere where I have been praying for.

And, for the first time in a really, really long time, I feel alive.

Thank you, January.

Thank you, God.

Where to Stay in Tagaytay: Quest Hotel

There are so many hotels in Tagaytay now. Just recently, I was looking for a place to stay and I was surprised how expensive they were especially the hotels overlooking the Taal Lake.

This afternoon, I was browsing through my drafts folder here in the blog and found this blog entry that I started writing 2 years ago. When one of my childhood friends, Marianne, came home from San Francisco back then, Pam and I took her to Tagaytay with our daughters. Pam is good at looking for affordable but really nice accomodations. I really liked the hotel she chose because it was clean, nice and not expensive.

We stayed at the Quest Hotel Tagaytay.

DSCF6166

There are a lot of parking spaces on the hotel grounds.

DSCF6168

We stayed for one night. We got 2 Deluxe Twin Rooms. One for the adults, para makapagchikahan galore and one for the kids.

Teka outfit of the day muna.

DSCF6174
Coordinates from Tayo Clothing in Shopee, sandals from Renegade Folk

Moving on, I remember that the room costs around Php 2k plus per night. That was 2 years ago. I checked the rates online just now and the Deluxe Twin Room costs around Php 3,300 per night. It’s still not bad because the rooms are really nice. Here, I’ll show you.

DSCF6173

The rooms were new and freshly painted when we were there.

DSCF6177

We had 2 twin beds, a writing desk, chair, balcony and television with cable. The airconditioning was good, can be adjusted to the temperature that you like. The sheets and pillows were hotel grade. Maselan ako sa sheets and pillows so I know you believe me when I say nice sila.

DSCF6180
DSCF6181

I like the bathroom. I’m very particular with bathrooms, right? This one was clean and it had all the essentials

DSCF6182
DSCF6183

There was also a coffee nook.

DSCF6185

Quest Hotel Tagaytay also has a pool and a cafe.

DSCF6186

I highly recommend Quest Hotel Tagaytay. The staff were nice and friendly. The place was clean. There’s wifi. The rates were affordable. They also have a one bedroom suite. I saw online that an overnight stay costs around Php 4,800. Pwede na din because the room is big. Wala nga lang breakfast but there are a lot of restaurants near the hotel.

DSCF6191

We enjoyed our stay and we’ll book again for sure =)

Quest Hotel Tagaytay
Fora Rotunda Tagaytay, Emilio Aguinaldo Highway, Silang Crossing East, Tagaytay, 4120 Cavite
Emailtagaytay.reservations@questhotelsandresorts.com
Mobile No.: 0908 863 9466 (Mondays – Saturdays); 0918 979 9863 (Sundays)

Fleurdeliz 2.0

pexels-tobias-bjørkli-2690807

I know you thought the breaking was the most painful chapter. It wasn’t. Turn the page. The next part is much longer. It’s the healing. The rise. The comeback. It’s the birth of the new you. And it’s not easy. But you are strong and brave and worth it.” – Stephanie Bennet-Henry

Hi, guys. It’s been a while. Three months to be exact since I wrote the Elephant In The Room blog entry. So many things have happened since.

I completely weaned off all meds last October. I won’t detail it here again because I know you guys know how hard it was. Never take Alprazolam for too long. Dapat daw maxiumum of 4 months lang because one can develop a dependency on the drug. The doctor made me take it for one year and a half. Imagine how difficult it was weaning off from it. The withdrawal symptoms were hell. Si God lang talaga yung nakikita kong reason how I was able to go through it. I am glad I am off it. The trauma it caused my nervous system is another story.

Anyway, one of my good friends, who’s a doctor, suggested to have my hormones checked. Baka imbalanced daw. I got it tested through a blood test. You just need a doctor’s request and bring it to a laboratory. I went to Hi-Precision in SM Aura. True enough, my progesterone hormone is super low. At the time I had it checked, it was 0.2. Yung normal range is supposed to be 1.8 to 25. Now I’m doing the bioidentical hormone replacement therapy with Doc Fran of Centro Holistico. I pray that my progesterone level goes up and umayos my hormones. Imbalanced hormones can cause anxiety and depression. I wish I had mine tested before I took all the meds. Inayos ko na lang sana muna itong hormones ko. Hindi ko na sana tinake yung medicines na yun.

I feel that I’ve improved a lot sa pakiramdam ko since I started with that therapy. There is still anxiety especially during PMS days (nagugulo levels ng hormones) and in the morning (time when we have naturnally high cortisol levels) but I’m so much better than last year. I gained 10 lbs already. Nagkalaman na and hindi na ako mukang nabinat na matanda. I’ve started eating ng maayos though wala pa din yung cravings talaga. I just eat because I need to eat to live. It’s still better than not eating at all.

I no longer feel sad. It has been 2 years and tama sila, magmamanhid ka din pala. I no longer want to chase something that doesn’t choose me. Gusto ko happy lang. No drama. Ayaw ko ng stress. In everything, especially relationships with other people, simple na lang. If you can’t be with me in my worst, then you can’t be with me at my best. I’ve lost people who are important to me in this journey. But I gained new people too. Ganun siguro. God takes away kasi He gives you something better.

I cannot say that I am back to my old self. I keep saying kasi na gusto ko na bumalik sa normal. Leah, during one of our sessions, told me that wala na yung old self ko. This is the new me. Wala na daw kaming inaantay na old self. This is moving forward. I should embrace this new me.

I’d like to share with you the things that I did that helped me arrive to where I am now in the hopes that it can also help some of you.

Pray. I prayed so hard. Every. Single. Moment. I’ve been trying to practice surrendering everything to God. Kasi di ba, even if I say I surrender to Him, I monitor naman what I prayed for. Hindi daw yun ganun dapat.

Exercise. I was in the gym almost everyday. I ran and ran. It helped me cope. Dumating na din kasi yung time na I felt there wasn’t anything to look forward to. So going to the gym really helped me. Nakaka-clear ng head. Sarap pa ng feeling after.

I didn’t stop helping myself. I went to counseling and therapy. I went to Bible studies. Everyday may ganap ako online at 8pm, Either counseling/therapy or bible study. Anything that can help me get better, I did it. I journaled every morning for 10 minutes doing free writing. I went to Centro Holistico for acupuncture every week. I drank supplements. I bought and read books that help me understand more about what I am going through. I watched videos online on how to deal and manage the anxiety. I listened to self help podcasts. I listened to the CCF Sunday services and to Joel Osteen on the way to work every morning. Hindi ako tumigil maghanap ng ways na gumaling. Next time, I do a more extensive post on this one.

I moved and did things. Kahit sobrang hassle, I forced myself to move and to go out. I frequently met up with my close friends, cousins and what is left of my family who’s here in Manila. I went to Pineda’s house often. I kept going out para hindi ako matulala lang and huwag mag-isip. Nakakapagod but it was necessary for me. I organized stuff sa house. Like lahat. I purged my closet. I organized and re-organized lahat ng storages sa bahay that can put Marie Kondo to shame.

I changed my environment. Well, to the most that I can. I couldn’t uproot Anika and move to Alaska so binago ko na lang mga gamit sa bahay. I realized that our house reminded me of the past so I changed it hanggang kung saan kayanin ng budget. I bought a new dining table and gave away the old one. I sold the living room sofa and bought a new sala set and chairs. I bought a new buffet table and a painting. Magastos. But since I cannot buy peace of mind, ito na yung closest na pwede.

I consciously pep talk myself not to catastrophize and not to think of negative thoughts. This is not easy but by doing it regularly, it will become a habit daw. I have not reached the automatic positive thinking yet pero hindi ako tumitigil trying. I always think that not everything that our brain tells us is true. Most of the time pag negative thought siya, false yun. Almost always yan, pansinin niyo. Practice makes perfect. In time, mapeperfect ko din yan.

When January came, I am grateful that I had the energy and will to go out na more often. Pakonti konti.

ME (to Anika): Sweetheart, I’ll be home a little late ha? I’ll meet up lang with my friends.

ANIKA: That’s the third time this month! Bruh, who are you?!

ME: I’m still me.

ANIKA: I know. I’m happy Nanay you are starting to enjoy yourself again.

May ganyan.

She already noticed na nagaayos na ako ulit. She’s happy. She’s still waiting for us to buy my “revenge” clothes. Hindi ko ba naman malaman para saan. Lol.

And you know, I am accepting that there are days na okay, there are days na hindi. Pag okay, enjoy. Pag hindi, it’s temporary. I am trying my best not to dwell on the negative anymore. Grateful na lang lagi. It’s not easy. It’s a struggle for someone who went through trauma but I can do it. And if I can do it, you can do it too.

I can’t wait to be continuously back here.

Excited ako for the days to come.

I’ll see you guys in a bit.

Anika and Lyn’s Homemade Strawberry and Avocado Ice Cream

DSCF4087

Hi, everybody.

To the people new here, you have to know that I love ice cream. Bata pa ako, I can finish a gallon of ice cream by myself. Ang kahati ko lagi is si Faye because ang hilig din niya sa matamis. Ngayong matanda na ako, half gallon na lang ang kaya kong ubusin in one sitting. I would exercise everyday basta I can eat ice cream often. Binawasan ko lang (ng slight) because Lolo Papa has diabetes so it runs in the genes. My sugar level’s on the boarder line kaya ingat na. But if ice cream lang ang usapan, I have tried them all. Hahaha! Promise! From the dirty ice cream ni Mamang Sorbetero to the Gelato ice cream in Rome, nakain ko na ata lahat. Ang hindi ko lang yata nagustuhan na ice cream is the halo halo flavor of a local brand that I ate when I was 9 years old at a relative’s house. Eww, nasisimi ako when I remember it. Di ko alam bakit parang may mga buto buto and fruits na hindi ko kilala. After that, I never tried a halo halo flavored ice cream.

Anyway , the other day, Anika and Lyn made homemade Avocado and Strawberry ice cream.

When I started eating it, I was so surprised because it was so creamy and (sorry) more delicious than the other famous artisan ice creams that I have tried. Partida, they didn’t use an ice cream maker ha?Napakasarap! Nabilib ako eh. And because sharing is caring, I asked Lyn the ingredients that they use.

Here you go!

STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM

1 tsp Vanilla extract
1 tsp Strawberry syrup
1/4 cup Condensed Milk (chilled)
250 ml All purpose cream (chilled)
Frozen strawberries

Put everything in a blender, blend then freeze overnight. Serve the next day.

AVOCADO ICE CREAM

1 tsp Vanilla extract
1/4 cup Condensed Milk (chilled)
250 ml All purpose cream (chilled)
2 pcs Frozen Avocados

Put everything in a blender, blend then freeze overnight. Serve the next day.

It’s very easy to make! And masarap pa!

You’re welcome! =D

Dear Anika: Your First Independent School Fair

Anika

Dear Anika,

Today is the start of your week long school fair for this year. You are in first grade and you were very excited.

Today also marks the first time you will go to the school fair all by yourself. No parents. No yaya. No guardian.

I am writing this now because na-sesenti na naman si Nanay mo.

You were very excited. I was also excited because I remember how fun the CSA school fair is.

ANIKA: Nanay! There will be so many rides! Can I go to the bouncing castle and inside this big ball and then they’ll bounce me around.

Wait.

Rides.

I remember the caterpillar and the octopus rides. Eto yung mga parang titilapon ka sa ere. These were really scary.

ME: Sweetheart, can you not go to the rides?

ANIKA: Awwww!! But can I go to the bouncing castle and inside the big ball.

I can think of one hundred things that can go wrong when she goes inside the bouncing castle and the big ball alone.

ME: Can you wait for me na lang tomorrow so that I can accompany you? Go to the booths na lang.

And then you said,

“Okay Nanay! There’s a make up booth and marriage booth there that I can’t wait to try!”

Wait. Whut?!

Tumaas ang kilay ko anak hangang ceiling. Yung Tatay mo parang namutla.

In my mind:
Anong marriage booth?! I remember making kunchaba some friends na hulihin ako and my crush so they can bring us to the marriage booth. Meron kasi dun na “You may kiss the bride.” part. But I was already in high school then! You’re just in first grade, for goodness sake!

Napapa-for goodness sake tuloy ako.

Sige ta-Tagalugin ko.

“Punyeta, grade 1 ka lang!!!”

But I didn’t tell you that. Instead, I put on a poker face and decided not to show my panic.

ME: Sweetheart, what do you do ba in the marriage booth?

ANIKA: Nanay, don’t panic. They just take pictures of you.

Ah ganun ba?

Hindi naman ako nagpapanic, anak. Actually naka-poker face nga ako eh. Kitang kita pa din siguro in my eyes. Lol.

I realized that I will be spoiling your first independent school fair if I will be like this. Ayoko naman maging KJ so I decided to loosen my reigns to you a little.

I gave you 5 Php 20 bills. You exchanged to me one twenty peso bill kasi gusot gusot na kamo. And then, you went to your room and got your treasure chest where you put all your savings. Nilabas mo lahat ng pera mo.

ME: Anak, don’t get everything. Get some lang and magtipid ka. Wag mong gasutusin lahat.

On a normal school day, it takes me almost 5 minutes to wake you up. Ang dami mong seremonyas. But today, I just whispered that today’s your school fair, nagtatatakbo ka na sa banyo to take a bath.

Excited talaga.

You picked your new jeans and your favorite rubber shoes to wear. You told me to put your hair to a pony tail. You checked your bag for your diary, jacket, pencils and extra white shirt. You even brought a small sling bag where you kept your money and your cellphone. You told me that you will leave your bag in the classroom or in the school bus when you’re going around the school fair. You told me that you will just bring a sling bag just like a grown up. You checked everything twice before we left the house.

Sa awa ng Diyos anak, naiwan mo naman sa bahay your school ID.

Excited nga talaga.

I brought you to school this morning. After we visited the school chapel, we were walking to your classroom.

ME: Anak, can you please tell me what are the rules again.

ANIKA: No rides. Don’t lose my money again. Do not spend so much money on ice cream and mahal stuff. Bring my phone with me everywhere.

Okay, good.

When we got to the end of the corridor,

ME: Anika, can you please give me your diary? I wasn’t able to sign it.

You were raring to go. You gave me an exasperated look.

ANIKA: No na Nanay! It’s okay. Teacher will not get mad. I have to gooooo!!

ME: I want to. Give it to me!

I signed it and then placed it inside her bag. I hugged her. She hugged and kissed me. Then she pushed me away.

ANIKA: I’m soooo excited Nanay! I love you! Bye!

And off you went to your classroom. You were screaming excitedly to your classmates who were at the door.

I watched you until you went inside your room. Malaki ka na nga. You look so independent. It was like it was just yesterday, ang clingy mo pa sa akin. You needed me to go around the fair grounds. Ang bilis ng panahon. Masaya na malungkot. Nakaka-proud to see that you are growing up to be a smart girl. I can’t help but to worry too. Matapang and makulit ka. You are very curious. Tingnan mo, you fell from that soccer goal post that I told you one hundred times not to climb.

But I have to trust you. I have to trust you not to do anything stupid again like climbing that soccer goal post. I have to trust your judgement of what you think is good and bad. Dito natin makikita kung tama nga talaga ang pagpapalaki namin sayo. I will just find comfort on how Wowa and Lolo Papa were when we were in school too. I’m sure deep inside they had their worries but they trusted us.

I am trusting you not to go kissing boys in the marriage booth.

Bakit ba hindi pa i-abolish yang marriage booth na yan!

Hahahaha! Tita na tina ang dating ni Nanay!

Yes, this is just the school fair and my letter for you is so long already.

Wait for my letter when the time comes you’ll ask permission to go on a sleepover. Baka mag-crash ang WordPress ko.

I love you sweetheart.

I hope you will enjoy today.

Love,

Nanay

Dear Anika: Things To Know Before Having A Boyfriend

Sulit din ang bili ko sa Salt Water sandals ni Anika. At first, you would think that it will not make bagay to a lot of clothes pero it goes with anything din talaga.

67
Dress: PEPPERMINT; Sandals: SALT WATER

Either that or ang cute lang kasi ni Anika and bagay sa kaniya lahat. Hehe.

Anyway, may chikka ako.

A couple of weeks ago, I was surprised when I opened my Facebook. I had a friend request from an ex-boyfriend from way, way back. Natigilan ako ng slight.

And then biglang I heard Celine Dion singing in the background: “It’s all coming back, it’s all coming back to me now..”.

via GIPHY

Hahahahahaha!

Nah, it’s all good guys. I’m over it for decades.

This ex became my boyfriend when I was 16. We were together for almost 3 years.

Being so young, naive and all, I fell hard for this one. He was tall, dark and handsome. He was really good at playing basketball. Best of all, patay na patay siya sa akin that time.

Or so I thought.

Everything was so kilig the first months. I was so smitten by him. I would doodle his name in my notebooks the whole day. I would do the F.L.A.M.E.S. thing with our names and would not stop until it says married. Hahahaha! Loka loka lang talaga. He would watch all my volleyball games no matter where we were playing. He would come over our house as often as he can. We were almost always together. It was puppy love at it’s sweetest form.

Or so I thought.

Everything was okay until my friends told me that he was cheating on me with someone from his school. That broke my heart. In fairness, he apologized and did everything to win me back. He would call the house all the time, go to my school to wait for me even though I would not go with him, go to my games even though hindi ko naman kinakausap. After a while, I gave in. Mahina kasi ako sa ganyan. All was good again pagkatapos nun.

Or so I thought.

To make the story short, he cheated on me three more times after that. I forgave him three more times too. I thought normal kasi yun. And I forgave and forgave because I couldn’t stand the thought of us not being together. I looked up to him and confided to him about everything. We did all things together. I felt nobody will like me pagnawala siya. What do you expect? That’s what you get when you enter a relationship at a very young age. Telling this to you now made me realize that Wowa was right talaga dati. She didn’t want me having boyfriends at an early age. I think she just gave in with this one kasi she knows I’ll have a boyfriend anyway. She gave in para she can monitor closely. Tama naman. I will do the same with Anika.

Anyway, I eventually got out of that toxic relationship but not without learnings. Though I wasn’t able to apply those learnings agad in my next relationships, at least I have something for Anika if ever time comes.

Hence, my Dear Anika for today.

Dear Anika,

Sweetheart, one day, hopefully when you’re done in school and are already working, you will have a boyfriend. I hope before then, you will be able to read these advice for you. Wag ka mag-alala anak, kahit hindi mo siguro ito mabasa, ibabaon ko ang mga ito sa utak mo.

One, please, never chase love. Do not chase anybody for love, period. Remember when you were little and you were playing tag? When you’re “it”, you run after somebody and then you stop and go back to me to cry because you tell me you’re frustrated because you cannot catch the person. I told you that there is a reason why you’re running after that person. Kasi kako your playmate is running away from you kaya you couldn’t catch him/her. Ganyan din sa love, anak. If you chase and chase it, chances are it will run away from you. Pagminalas malas ka pa, you catch somebody not right for you. You won’t want that. Have patience. Love will come to you at the right timing. Maniwala ka sa akin.

Two, always remember that you are enough. You do not have to change for somebody in order for him to love you. Do not change to please anyone. You will see how great it is to be loved for who you are. There was a boy dati who said gusto daw niya mahihinhin na mga babae. Eh ang pogi so naging mahinhin ako around him. You know me. Mahinhin is the last adjective you can describe me. But I tried for the sake of him liking me. My friends thought I was always constipated because I wasn’t acting normally. In the end, I didn’t get the guy. Ayaw niya sa mukhang constipated.

Three, a boy will do anything if he likes you. Kahit busy yan, he will always find time for you. He will move mountains, makasama ka lang if gusto ka niya talaga. Madami din magiging rason yan if he doesn’t like you so you have to be alert in identifying which is which. Also, do not make it easy for them to have you. Ang peg natin dito anak is “pagmay tiyaga, may nilaga.”.

Four, do not settle with anyone just because you want to be in a relationship. Anika, Wowa has told me this so many times that it is already etched in my brain. I will tell this to you too. You are a terrific person. You are a great catch. At this point, I know you are an educated, intelligent, well-rounded, beautiful and fine woman. Any guy will be lucky to have you so do not settle just for the sake of having a boyfriend.

Five, pick somebody who has other great traits apart from being gwapo. Wag mo na akong gayahin diyan dahil madaming beses na ako napaso kaka-pili ng gwapo. Pick somebody who is smart and who can challenge you intellectually. Pick somebody who’s into sports. Pick somebody who is passionate about something. Pick somebody who has a good relationship with his mother. Pick somebody who is respectful, God-fearing and honest. Pick somebody who can make you laugh. Pick somebody who can make you feel special even with simple ways. Pick somebody who will not restrict you. Pick somebody na may goal in life. Pick somebody who makes you a better person. Lastly, pick somebody who you are absolutely in love with. Anything less than that should be a waste of your time.

Six, with all the items in number 5, you will have to understand that you have to know the person muna before entering a relationship with them. Best if you can be friends with him first. Good friends make great boyfriends. Magandang foundation yan. Basta bottom line, wag kang magmadali. In line with this anak, I encourage you to not to decide on the one agad. Go on dates. Hell, you can even fall in love more than once. Trial and error din kasi yan. The more people you meet, the more you realize who you want and what you want from a relationship. Pero anak, may border dito ha? This doesn’t me that you go out with anybody who will ask you out. See item #4 above.

Seven, once you are in a relationship, do not give your all. Do not lose yourself in the relationship. Like, cliche man pero magtira ka lagi for yourself. Sigurista tayo eh. In case things won’t end in a happy ending, you have pieces pa with you to build on and start all over again.

Eight, respect yourself first. Yan ang una. When people see that, they will give proper respect to you too.

Nine, wait before having sex. This will be discussed further.

Ten, always, always remember that I will always be here for you no matter what. You can tell me everything. Let me guide you. Guide lang naman because this early (you are 6 years old as I am writing this), your Tatay and I are trying our best to instill good values in you. I know you will make sound decisions when you grow up. But if you come to me about love, I promise I will not be judgmental of your choice in men. I will not promise though that I will keep to myself all my opinions about him or your relationship. You are my only child. It is my self-imposed obligation to keep an eye on you no matter how old you get.

That’s it. I love you Anika.

Love,

Nanay

Dear Anika: When You Feel That I Don’t Love You

Dear Anika,

There was one day when your yaya, Ate Abby, told me that you shouted at her when she was making you sit farther from the television at home. She said when she was making you finish your food, you also shouted at her. She also told me that you told her to leave na lang because you don’t like her. She also told me that you started throwing things at her because you were mad. This made me really angry and upset. What was happening to you? We are not trying to bring you up that way. We want to bring you up as someone who respects other people especially the help.

I called you to my room and made you sit on the bed. You saw that I was very angry. You were already saying sorry even without me saying anything. It pacified me a bit because I can see that you already knew that you did something wrong. At least hindi ka pala manhid. But I wasn’t sure of your sincerity because there have been a lot of times when you said sorry immediately just to escape my anger and being scolded.

Hindi ganyan gamitin ang word na “sorry” anak. You should mean it.

Pinagalitan kita. I was really mad. But I didn’t shout though. Pero ikaw, you were crying really hard.

ME: Why are you crying? I’m not even shouting at you.

ANIKA: Because… (hic)… Because… (hic)

ME: Because what?

ANIKA: I feel you don’t love me anymore!

Natigilan ako ng slight.

I wanted to pull you to me and hug you very tight. I wanted to tell you that that never ever can possibly happen.

It was very, very hard for me but I didn’t. Not because I really don’t love you but because I didn’t want to buckle . I wanted to make a point that what you did was very wrong. No amount of drama can change that.

After you cried, we talked again. I asked if you understood everything that I said about not doing it again. You said yes. I made you tell me what you have learned in our talk.

ANIKA: Not to shout at my Ates. Not to throw things. Not to say mean things because I really do not like Ate Abby to leave because I like her.

Good.

Now on to the part na bumabagabag sa akin.

ME: Anika, why did you say that I don’t love you? Why do you feel that?

ANIKA: Because you were upset with me! Because I’m a bad girl!

ME: Anika, look at me. You are not a bad girl. You are a very good girl. You are a good girl but you sometimes forget that you are a good girl. I am angry with what you did but that doesn’t mean that I do not love you. I will always love you no matter what. Remember that.

ANIKA: But you were almost shouting at me! Parents should never shout at their kids!

ME: Come here and give me a hug. Tapos na tayo magdiscuss. Do not teach me how to raise you.

I will put it here, anak, lest you forget what I said that day.

I will never ever stop loving you. Always remember that. I will still love you even if you make mistakes. You can tell me about it and we can correct it together. I will always be here for you whatever happens. You will never be alone because we can conquer anything together. That is because I love you.

c1

I will still love you even if we fight. Yes sweetheart. Our tiny “fights” now are nothing compared to what we will fight about when you grow up.  I know that. I dread the day when it will come but I know it will come. You will not like some of the decisions I will make for you but I have to make it for your sake. I know that, someday, you might detest the rules that I will make for you. I will have to make it even though I know we will fight because I love you. I will do it for you. I will do it because I love you.

c2

I will always love you no matter where you go or no matter who you grow up to be. I will be behind you in whatever endeavor you will want to do. I will support you all the way. I know you will conquer the world, Anika. You will go places. Do not worry. I will go and see you wherever you are. That is a promise. I will take care of you as long as I can, whether you like it or not. I will be there for you even if you already have your “people” with you. Regardless if you already have a best friend, a boyfriend, a husband or a child, I will be there for you because I love you. I will do all of these because I love you.

c3

I will love you even if a time will come that you will tell me that you don’t love me, whatever your reason may be. Remember that even if you throw hurtful words at me, I will still love you. I know you will only say that out of anger. I know you will not mean that. I know you will realize what you did and it will hurt you. You will come to me and apologize. Just come to me, sweetheart and I will embrace you. I will forgive you. I will do that because I love you.

c4

I will always love you, Anika Summer. Nothing can ever change that.

Love,

Nanay

Dear Anika #1: When You Graduate Kindergarten

Last weekend, Alvin called me to tell me that one of our wedding godfather is sick. He’s battling with cancer and it all came super sudden lang. The worse part was grabe na daw the cancer when they discovered it. This news saddened us so much because ang bait bait talaga ng ninong namin na iyon. He’s very kind, unassuming and I always see him with a smile on his face.

Eto na naman ako sa ka-praningan ko.

As usual, I related myself to his situation. I became paranoid. You see, I dunno if I told you na this, I do not have problems with dying. As in wala talaga. Eh kung yun yung naka-tadhana sa akin eh, I cannot really do something about it. The only thing that would depress me would be leaving Alvin and Anika behind. The thought of them not having me in their future makes me really sad. If God will take me now (knock on wood), I won’t be able to be there and plan Anika 7th and 18th birthday. I won’t be able to be with her when she graduates or enter college. Yung wedding niya wala ako. Ang daming milestones that I won’t be there to witness it.

Yan ang nakakalungkot na part.

Since we do not know when we will be taken by our Creator, I have a new segment in my blog. Inspired by the dad who left letters to his 3 year old son that his son to guide him through his life after he dies, gagawa din ako niyan. If, luckily, hindi ako ma-dedo anytime soon, Anika and I can still both look back and read the different blog posts in this segment. Future reference, ika nga nila.

The title of this new segment is Dear Anika.

My First Dear Anika is When She Graduates Kindergarten.

Anika 3

Dear Anika,

Congratulations on your kindergarten graduation, sweetheart!

I know you did well because I saw how hard you studied during your exams. I won’t be surprised if your Tatay will go up the stage with you because you’re an Eagle Certificate Awardee. Hindi talaga ako nagugulat. Mana ka kasi sa akin ‘Nak. Hehe.

This is just a start of your amazing journey. I know you’re scared of transferring to a bigger building that Grade One kids will share with older students but as you go through those gates, just imaging me holding your hand. Ganyan naman talaga tayo every first day of school di ba? Hindi ko nga lang alam who’s holding on tighter, ikaw ba or ako. Looks like it’s me because, every year, I can see you all raring to go and start the new school year with your old and new classmates tapos ako nakahawak lang sayo. Parang ayaw pa kita i-let go because ang bilis ng panahon, I can’t catch up. It was like yesterday lang when I went with you on the first day of your toddler class.

And now, you’re going to start grade school after this summer!!! *tears*

I can totally hear your voice in my head, “Nanay! Stop being overdramatic!”

My advice to you is study hard but do not forget to enjoy and have fun. Make friends. It is during this time that you will meet your future bestfriends (if you haven’t met them yet). Do not be shy. Join lang ng join sa mga clubs. Salihan mo what interests you. I would love to see you be a Star Scout just like what I was when I was in first grade. Hindi ko lang sure if type mo but if you like, I swear to you, you will have fun talaga learning all about camping and all the things that come with it.

Osha, congratulations again sweetheart. I’m super duper proud of you!

Love,

Nanay

My 5th Birthday Letter For Anika

Dearest Anika,

Today is your 5th birthday. It’s past midnight already and I’ve just finished going through all your photos since you were born. I realized that I have been doing that every year on the eve of your birthday for the past four years. I enjoy doing that but in the same time, something tugs my heart in a different way.

Naluluha ako ngayon actually, anak.

Ang bilis kasi talaga ng panahon.

Gasgas na talaga pero it really feels like yesterday na ganito ka lang the whole day.

1

I remember praying for more interaction because all you did was to eat, sleep, cry and poo on me.

And then you started interacting with all of us. You were the apple of everybody’s eye.

2

And then, you started to learn how to walk. I was so excited because I’ve always pictured us hand in hand, shopping from one store to another.

3

And then two months before your first birthday, you suddenly were walking running like there’s no tomorrow. I think that was when I started losing weight from all the habol I did with you.

4

And then at two years old, you learned how to sing, dance, model and act in front of everybody.

5

And then before you turned three years old, you became more like me. You started talking too much, choosing your own outfits, choosing how your hair will be done, posing expertly in front of the cameras and started to discover that you can get away with almost about everything as long as you flash that cute smile of yours and make lambing to anyone.

6

And then at four years old, we have validated that you are indeed not only beautiful but smart as hell as well.

7

Ang bilis bilis anak.

I worry that I might not be spending time with you that much. No matter how often I drop whatever I’m doing when you call me, I still feel guilty that I don’t get to be with you as often as you like me to. Kung alam mo lang anak. I want to be there everyday when you open your eyes. I love the good morning hugs and kisses that you never fail to give me. It hurts me when you call me in the middle of the day and tell me that you really miss me and you want to be with me. You often ask me why I can’t be like the mommies of your classmates who pick them up everyday in school. For that, I’m sorry anak. When I hear that from you, gustong gusto ko talaga umuwi. I don’t want you to feel that you are not important because I swear anak, you are the most important to me right now.

I’m sorry that you get stuck at home during summer break because I cannot take you to any summer activities during the weekday. But I try my best to make bawi when I get home especially when we spend time with each other before you sleep. That is one of my favorite parts of the day, Anika. Yung tayong dalawa lang and we’re lying down and telling each other how our day went. And then we would be laughing and hugging ng madaming madami until you tell me it’s enough because you want to sleep na. I hope we can forever do that even if you’re all grown up na. I will never get tired of hearing you talk about your day and to hear you laughing. I love hearing you laugh. I feel really happy when you’re happy, anak.

There are times though when I feel really sad. Sobrang sad that sometimes parang ayaw ko na talaga. But you know, I only think of you and I feel I have to get through whatever it is that I am going through for you. I know you feel this anak when we’re together and I really appreciate the out of the blue, “I love you Nanay” and “You’re doing a good job as a mom, Nanay.” comments that you say. You are my rock anak. And I want you to know that you can always, always count on me forever.  I am and forever going to be your bestfriend.

I love you sweetheart. Thank you for making me happy everyday. Whatever you are now, I am already very, very proud of you.

Happy, happy birthday Anika. Enjoy your day today =)

11147853_10153286544217526_4564479265847723982_o

My Letter About Boys For Anika

To tell you the truth, I have been following the Vhong (lekat kang H ka), Deniece and Cedric news since it started. A lot of people are greatly affected by it. Imagine, nawala ang attention kay Napoles because of that. And sa dami dami ng problema sa mundong ito, Mar Roxas talagang took time pa to meet with Vhong’s manager and lawyer.

Anuvah?

We can’t blame them though. Halos buong mundo nakatutok and nakasubaybay on how this will all end. Vhong (I’m really starting to get annoyed with the H) appears on national television every freaking day on a very popular TV show na nagpapasaya ng wagas sa madaming tao. Hurt him and for sure magaaklas talaga ang madlang people. I don’t know why Cedric and his gang would think that they would get away with this.

Kamote.

Anyways, I’m not writing here because of that. As a mother who has a daughter, I’m very worried about the men that Anika will meet in the future. With that, please allow me this letter that I wish Anika would be able to read when the right time comes.

————————————————————————————

Dearest Anika,

Back in 2014, a scandal happened between this well loved TV show host, model wannabe and a rich businessman. Paki google na lang anak ang details because the plot is too complicated for me to detail here.

Anyway, in the middle of all these, I can’t help but to worry about you. For sure you will meet a lot of boys while growing up. Some of those will be nice but the others for sure hindi. I pray that by that time, your Tatay and I have already instilled in you proper values so you can decide on your own what is right from what is wrong.

For the meantime, habang kaya ko pang maalala, I will tell you here the different kinds of men I have encountered before I married your Tatay. I hope after you read about them, maging aware ka and somehow, may matutunan.

Here are the men you should stay away from:

The Chickboy Na Jock. At first you will notice this guy kasi ang lakas ng dating. Ang pogi. Magaling sa basketball. Ang sweet. The problem is sweet din siya sa lahat ng girls. Do not settle with this guy. Let him go with caution. Bakit kamo?  He will know how to make you suyo back. Forte niya kasi yun. Say no and mean it. I-basted yan.

The Boy Next Door Na Duwag. May nanligaw sa akin na ganyan dati. Ang bait. He always offers to walk me home. Makulit so I agreed after ilang offers niya. While we were walking home, a stray dog started viciously barking at us. Akalain mong pinangharang ako sa aso?! Basted.

The Guy With The Surname. This guy asked me out on a date. He was from the rival school that we always play against. He was mabait naman so I agreed. I learned from my friends na famous ang surname niya. He belonged to a wealthy and influential clan. Looks promising. However, during the first date, he asked if we can split the bill. Okay lang sana eh pero down to the centavo talaga. As in tinanong niya kung may 25 cents ako. Promise. Wowa told me to give him a chance kasi baka ganyan na daw talaga ang panahon ngayon. I did. We went to see a movie. While we were queuing for tickets, wala daw siyang barya so abono muna ako. After buying the tickets, we bought food (meaning: he went and bought his own food while I had no choice but to buy my own as well). So nagka-“barya” na siya di ba? While we were seated inside the movie house, nagkukwenta ang lolo niyo ng hatian namin sa tickets. As in binibigyan niya ako ng tig-pa-five peso coin. Ayoko na after that. Basted na yan.

Anak, remember this rule. If a guy asks you out on a date, he SHOULD shoulder the expenses at least for the meal man lang. Siya nag-aya eh. Wag kang makihati.

The Sweet Pero Paasa Guy. He calls everyday. He’s super sweet and malambing. While you guys are talking on the phone at 11pm, you mention that you feel like eating siomai that time. Thirty minutes after that, he surprises you. He’s knocking at your house with 3 different variants of take out siomai from North Park. Effort di ba? Pero he never asks to be more than that. Walang follow through ang kakaibang sweetness. You stay there wondering if you’ll expect something ba. Wag na, anak.

Remember, if a guy wants you, magsasabi yan. He’ll do everything for you not to go away. Pero if a guy doesn’t like you, nothing can make him stay.

The Mama’s Boy. Boyfriend mo na but it seems the relationship’s very crowded. Ang other woman is his mother. You feel that there’s nothing you can do that can make her accept you. “Maganda ka pala sa personal. Ang laki kasi ng ilong mo sa pictures eh.”, says the mother. Ang ilong ko tuloy ang lagi kong tinitingnan sa photos ever since. Be sensitive sa mga ganyang comments ng mudra ng jowa mo. And also be sensitive how many times your guy says, “Sabi ni Mommy…” or “Mommy said…”. Diyosme, i-basted na yang mag-inang yan. You may not feel it now but that will be a big factor if in case you decide to settle with that boy.

The All Looks Guy. I call him All Looks because that’s all that he is. Tall, dark and handsome. Siya na yun. Ang pogi talaga, aspiring model eh. One time I asked delicately why he stopped schooling. He said that he doesn’t need school kasi he’ll model na lang daw. I could hear alarm sounds in my head. He has been trying to make it for more that half a decade na pero isang print ad pa lang ang nagawa. All those time, ayun, nakatambay lang sa bahay ng nanay niya. Not cool. I-basted na yan.

Remember anak, do not look at the physical appearance of the guys lang. There’s gotta be something inside the coconut. You would need a street smart man. Ang diskarte niyan ang bubuhay sa inyo one day.

The Bad Boy. I know why you’re attracted to him. Mana ka kasi sa akin. Good girls are attracted to bad boys. Kaka-ibang species eh. Pero anak, wag ka na diyan. You can seldom tame a bad boy. Almost never. Sa dami ng bad boys na nakilala ko, isa lang ang nagbago because of love. For a while they’ll change pero they’ll just go back to who they are after a period of time. A bad boy is a bad boy. Sa Robin Padilla movies lang nagwoworkout yan.

The Boy With The Ex. Yung sobrang clingy na ex na for some reasons we cannot explain, he can’t tell them to go away. Do not mistake this as him being a gentleman. A true gentleman will know how to properly let go of people he does not want to keep in his life. Totoo yan. That is a complicated relationship to be in. Wag ka nang makisali, anak. Maikwento ko lang. I remember when your Tatay and I were starting to date again in 2007. May girlaloo na tawag ng tawag sa kanya. It was so annoying. What your Tatay did was he fixed it up with the girl before he started dating me again. As kung sino itong girl na ito, di ko siya knowing. Ask your Ate Girlie. Hehe.

The Bestfriend. If you are lucky to have a strong, platonic relationship with a nice and responsible guy (you need a male perspective every now and then, anak),  keep it that way. Do not fall in love with your best friend. If you started out as bestfriends, it’s not wise to bring it to another level. There is no assurance that it will work. Ask yourself this instead, “Are you willing to risk losing this person if ever things will not work out?” If no, stay friends. Period.

The Rebound Guy. Regardless if you’re the rebound girl or he’s the rebound guy in the relationship, wag mo nang i-push yan. If I learned one thing sa dami ng naging boyfriends ko, both of you should not have hang ups when entering a new relationship. Hihilahin kayo pababa ng mga issues na yan. The relationship has a higher survival rate if both of you have clean slates. Mas maagaan ang feeling.

There are more kinds of men out there anak. Hindi ganun ka-dami ang naging boyfriends ko to meet all of them. There’s the guy who disrespects his mother. Sa awa ng Diyos, all of my boyfriends were really sweet to their moms. Remember anak, you can see how your future husband would treat you if you see how he treats his mother. There’s the guy with commitment issues. Stay away from him. Wag mo yang pag-tiyagaan. There’s the violent guy. Naku anak, please lang. Kung ayaw mo makapatay ng tao ang Tatay mo, stay away from these men.

Maraming marami pa diyan anak. Basta remember that you can always come to me if you have guy problems. Let’s deal with that together okay? =)

————————————————————————————————

That’s it!

Kamusta mga girls? May mga familiar ba diyan sa mga nasabi ko? =)